…will be to get Steven Tyler back on smack.

The second will be to let you, the American people, choose what you want to hear on the radio.

For some time now I’ve thought that music generally sucks. I wasn’t sure if I was getting older and by proxy was no longer cool. To be fair, no one, with the possible exception of Jay-Z, makes listenable music that expounds of the virtues of making contributions to a Roth IRA. My suspicions where confirmed the other day. I was having a conversation with a very green youth named junior.

This quotation summarizes the conversation in whole, “It’s just not fair. You guys had Nirvana, and what the (expletive deleted) do I get? Little (expletive deleted) John? That (expletive deleted) sucks!”

At a time when every other form of media has begun to discover the long tail, and all of the beauty, arcane and odd, within it, the music industry has focused solely on squeezing every drop of sweet blood out of their (small) grasp on the fat tail. The end result is that somehow music has been pulled so far into the middle that no one likes it any more.

This is a problem that will take decisive leadership to solve. In order to do so, I promise, that as President, I will do everything in my power to get Steven Tyler re-addicted to heroin. I saw the man at a Wal-Green’s once, and he seemed nice enough. He has a beautiful family. I don’t feel good about having to do so, but someone has to make a sacrifice, and as your President I will be proud to take that sacrifice. Whether you like it or not, the truth is that sometimes Presidents have to get their hands dirty for the good of the county, and at least Aerosmith won’t suck any more.

I will also solve what we here at the center call “The Gwen Stefanie Problem”, and make sure that I get legislation passed that bans anyone who gets regular airplay on the Delilah show from producing a rap album. Part of the legislation will also include funding to help cure RRRD (Rock and Roll Related Deaths).

As for the future, I’m at a crossroads, and I’m going to let you, America, help make the decisions. I don’t think that having troops in Iraq is helping us out, or the Iraqi’s. However, music certainly crested during the Vietnam war. I hope that if we let this thing drag on for a while that we’ll bring back the passion, but the first signs of the new wave political music hasn’t been very promising. This is a topic that requires further discussion.